Me: Like you--Only better!

Dreamed about a Ferris wheel and Eiffel Tower. Bradley Cooper was there. Then I dreamed about visiting my parents in Japan, and Imogen Heap was there staying with them.

It's been so hot since I've been back, and I've completely lost my appetite.

So Imogen Heap, possibly my all-time favorite artist, had an impromptu album listening event in LA today. I left this morning hoping to get in, but stopped to get gas first. The machine at the gas station ate my debit card. The gas station attendants barely spoke English and apparently don't have phone numbers for anything. I called their corporate office but, of course, it was closed today. So I left.

As I continued my drive up to LA I called my bank and tried to cancel my card. I had to call a friend and have her find the number for my bank since I couldn't look at the back of the card. I called the bank but wasn't sure of my account number, nor did I have the card number as the card is new--the gas station was the first placed I had tried to use the card at. Anyway, during all the calling, while not paying attention to where I was going, I missed my freeway turn-off and didn't realized it until way later. So I tried to take a different freeway up to LA, which took longer and dropped me off way west of where I needed to be. I tried to find my way to the venue but got there an hour late.

It then took me 2 hours to drive home in defeat, and complete and utter frustration. I'm fucking pissed. And now I'm just sitting at home sweating my ass off.

Went to see Zed, Cirque du Soleil's permanent circus in Japan. It was fantastic. I absolutely loved every minute of it. And then all the yummy muscle butts and legs in tights just make it even better.

So I fly to Japan tomorrow. For some reason I'm totally paranoid that I'm going to have problems with my ticket (bad dream about it), or trouble at the border (has happened before).

Had my ice skating class tonight. Something finally clicked and I can now skate backwards. Sah-weet. On top of that all my other skating skills are improving. I'm so surprised by how quickly I'm making progress. In fact, I will for sure sign up for ballet lessons when I get back from Japan. I want to make some progress there as well.

My musicianship and piano skills have also made good progress so far this summer. I'll keep working on them, and also start practicing my singing when I get back.

I can be good at everything!!!

So I finally feel like I'm learning from my ice skating lessons. It's now getting fun. Must start to use my extra already-paid-for visits.

Went over to a friend's apartment for drinks tonight. When I left I found my car in the midst of being towed away. They told me it would cost $72 for them to let my car go right there. But then they noticed that something had gone wrong with the towing mechanism and the hydraulics weren't working. Told me they hated having to tow people's cars. They let me go without paying the drop fee.

The universe was good to me today... or today averaged out some other part of my life.

I had a dentist appointment today, which I had mistakenly calendared at 11:30AM. As I opened the garage door, I noticed a blue and purple bird (probably a lovebird) on the ground at the edge of the garage door. I got in my car and pulled out thinking the bird would be startled and fly away. It remained asleep. After closing the garage door I nudged the bird to see if it was still alive. It barely opened it's eyes and made no other movement. I didn't know what to do and I was already running late, so I left it hoping it was just drying off from the rain.

As I was driving to the dentist I got a call from the dentist asking why I was late for my appointment--it was actually at 11:10AM. So I had to move the appointment to July. Now, I couldn't help but wonder if I should have tried to help the bird instead of going to my already-missed-mis-scheduled appointment.

Anyway, I spent the rest of the day with my friends watching True Blood. I think the show is okay. I'm not completely hooked, but it is somewhat enjoyable. Then again, I don't have the hots for Stephen Moyer like my friend does.

When I got home after midnight (and after spilling a bowl of cream of mushroom soup in my lap at dinner) I noticed the bird was still there, but now it was dead for sure, just as blue and purple as it had appeared in the morning. I scooped it up and threw it in the dumpster. Of course I'm now wondering if I just showed the universe how terribly uncaring I am. Not only did I do nothing for a dying bird this morning, but when I later found it dead I threw it in the dumpster.

For some reason I always find it especially sad when an animal capable of flight dies. It just seems wrong that something that has evolved the ability of self-powered flight is subject to the same crap death that the rest of us mud crawlers are.

Also, I'm not a composer.

Met with classmate and reviewed music history and practiced sight-singing and rhythm. Worked out my legs, ran two miles.

Played piano for an hour tonight. I think I figured out the analysis for the piece I was playing. Had some difficulty but it makes sense if I think of it in mixolydian mode: I-I7c-v.

I've started posting my requests/gratitude to random gods each time I encounter a facebook "friend's" post thanking or imploring god for something. Zeus and Amun-Ra so far.

I'm color 7E21FF!!! Which hexadecimal color are you?

Dreamed that the passenger's door on my car was removed and stolen, at least the external portion of it. Of course it really pissed me off but I also thought it was weird since, in my dream I had just been thinking about it. Then I was making out with some other guy's boyfriend and it was good.

I'm on the search for the perfect pair of shoes to wear with shorts. Although I've gotten over my dislike of flip-flops, I'd still rather not have them as my only foot fashion choice.

So today, I finally found a pair of flip-flops that are actually comfortable and aren't just the rubber ones. But I've realized they are actually inside flip-flops, as they are made of wool and felt and don't have a proper sole. I'm thinking of getting some sort of rubber or silicone to coat on the bottom of the flip-flops to extend their life.

I did find a pair of shoes I would have bought on the spot as they were exactly what I was looking for, but they were a half-size too small. So, I'm still looking.

I feel completely useless not having a job or school. I don't want to have a normal job again, at least not yet. Maybe I can do some work as an extra...

Do I just take a nap since I don't know what else to do? Do I wander the mall and not buy anything?

So I ran the undie run tonight. Was soooo much fun. It's actually amazing how unselfconscious I felt. I guess I had so much adrenaline pumping that I ran much faster than normal. It was a really good feeling.

Then I ruined the evening by going to Hamburger Mary's in Long Beach. Gosh, that place is a ghetto dump and the music was mostly terrible and was always way too loud. I did not enjoy myself. My ears hurt.

I hope that I wake up early enough to study for my last final tomorrow.

Then for summer. I want to take ballet lessons. I want to take ice skating lessons. I want to work out and have the best body I've every had. Maybe I can find a job somewhere in there. I'll work on my piano playing, sightreading, and rhythm, and review and look ahead at music history. It will be a good summer.

Had a weird weird dream in the few hours that I slept last night. Dreamed about driving around in a car, getting lost in snow, going to boyfriend's apartment but not being able to find it, finding someone dead on the way, being told some childhood friends were only figments of my imagination, being someone else subjected to incest, my boyfriend was the cop investigating the dead body, everything seemed to point to me as the killer even a talking horse, I realized this and was worried. Boyfriend tried to strangle me out of frustration that I would not admit to the murder. Just all weird.

My music history final exam this morning is going to suck. Hard.

Went to the Spring Dance Recital tonight. It was pretty good. The guys' bodies are quite nice to look at.

Long Beach Pride tomorrow. Do I want to go?

Need to do some homework for my music history class. I've got to write two in-class essays for my final. Hm, also need to write some in-class essay answers for my psych class. Must prepare for those as well.

Want to work out over the summer.

Just heard what was probably motorcycles racing down the freeway. It freaked me out for a second because it sounded like an air raid siren, which reminded me of living in Korea.

I definitely did not enjoy my voice lesson today. After telling my teacher that I'd like to try to advance to the next level, he suddenly started finding all kinds of stuff wrong with my singing. Maybe that is to be expected. Maybe I don't sing well enough to move to the next level. The thing that gets me though, is plenty of students at higher class levels do things that I would get yelled at for doing. So why are they at such high levels and I'm just a beginner? Ultimately I don't really care, but I may as well try to advance.

After my voice lesson I was definitely in the mood to change majors.

I hate how migraines make me sick to my stomach.

Went to a classmate's apartment last night and had some drinks. I think my body has pretty much stopped metabolizing alcohol. When I was younger I could at least expect a hangover at worst, but most of the time I was fine the next morning. Now whenever I drink I feel just as drunk for several hours the next day and then get a hangover and feel like shit. Terrible.

An underage classmate invited me to a house party tonight and told me "if you come bring drinks." Really? I have to supply the alcohol to underage drinkers. I don't really want to go now. I need to hang out with friends my own age.

Still thinking about changing my major. I didn't know this but, apparently financial aid cuts off at around 160 units. I'm at 114 right now and still have a long way to go.

So, I was supposed to fly to my grandma's funeral today. I was running late. Realized at the last minute that I needed a garment bag for my suit and that I had left my shoes at school. Ran and got them, bought the bag. Got to the airport but they were no longer checking luggage. Okay, I can still make it to the plane. But wait. The check-in machine notifies me that my connecting flight has been canceled or something and I now need to pay extra to get a different connecting flight that won't get me there until tomorrow afternoon... which is way after the funeral. I panic. I can't be spending more money right now. What's the point in going if I'm not there for the funeral. I call my relatives but no one answers or the numbers are disconnected. I tried calling my sisters just for some moral support and suggestions on what to do since I know I'm not thinking clearly. No one answers. I decide to just check-in anyway. Too late. Can't check in. So, I try to think without emotion. I won't make the funeral. I have tons of homework to do. If I go on the trip and spend a night in a Minnesota airport I'm going to feel like shit. My connecting flight will get me to Wisconsin in the afternoon after the funeral. I'll be there for a day but won't be sure I can actually get in contact with any of my relatives since their numbers aren't working, or I have their home phone numbers and not their cell phone numbers... and they're not at home.

So I didn't go. But I'm feeling this horrible guilt. My dad paid for the trip since he didn't think he could handle the travel.

It feels like my insides are all black and slimy and that I'm some lying horrible person. I'm starting to see a pattern in my behavior, but I'm not sure how much is actually circumstantial. Am I horrible? I know I've been slacking on everything lately. I feel like this whole music thing is a lie to myself. Somehow I don't think it's what I really want to do.

Change. Must change. Must be better.

I'm confused about school. I don't what to do: change majors or not? Every now and then there is something inspiring about music that gets me excited, but most of the time I'm just dreading 3 or 4 more years of this.

Had opera load-in and long lighting cue rehearsal today. Was way hungry. Decided not to spend $30 on ticket to see Cantus hungry. Came home and ate lunch/dinner instead. Must buy eyeliner, mascara, translucent powder, makeup kit, and glue tomorrow--for opera.

I am not a performer. Why did I say yes to doing the opera?

Running at the beach has been going well. Mid-section is tighter, so is ass. Feels much better.

Gave in to sleep paralysis the other day. Turned out to be a rather enjoyable experience.

This was a rough week for me. Just couldn't do everything right, kept screwing up or making stupid mistakes.